What is the Cycle of Abuse?
- The Abuse Cycle is a culmination of the neverending events of domestic violence. The victims are left feeling exhausted, confused, scared, angry, and so much more. Abuse comes in many forms and all of our phases are different. All forms of abuse are bad, one is not worse than the other. Don't minimize what you have been through if you hear stories or read experiences that seem "worse" than yours. This type of thinking keeps us stuck in the Abuse Cycle. I actually didn't use the word "Abuse" until after I left my husband and someone pointed out to me that it was abuse I was experiencing. It was hard to accept and I wouldn't say the word for a long time. When I did or if I started looking into resources for assistance and read "battered wives" or "abuse victims", I would cry at the realization that I fell into those categories. Below is a quick and very basic explanation of the Abuse Cycle.
- Phase 1: Tension Building Phase. During this phase, you experience jealousy, restriction, criticism, and fear. Your partner becomes easily frustrated and angry, leaving you walking on eggshells, feeling anxious trying to appease them. These are the times I've made dinner only to hear over and over throughout the meal how it could have been better or everything that is wrong with it. Or when I've tried to spend time with a friend or even a family member and he didn't stop blowing up my phone, making it impossible to enjoy myself so I just went home. Going home would certainly mean an argument that would end up leaving me feeling defeated and exhausted.
- Phase 2: Incident. This is when the abuser lashes out physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually. This is the phase where power is exerted over you through violence, name-calling, yelling, withholding love and affection, or forcing sexual contact.
- Phase 3: Reconciliation. During this phase is when the abuser apologizes and makes promises to change their behavior. They might grovel and beg for forgiveness, displaying dramatic forms of apologies. They might also gaslight their victims, minimize their behavior, or justify and blame their actions on their partner.
- Phase 4: The Honeymoon Phase. This is when the relationship is at its best. You're feeling good, you're treating each other well, and you have hope for the future. Love and kindness increase and you may receive gifts and words of praise and affirmation. It's as if nothing bad ever happened.